I’m back in hull waiting to start my second year. I’m missing Paddy so very much, haven’t had a decent night sleep since i’ve been back. That coukd be due to my habbit of sleeping next to Paddy everynight,  much more to the point, more likely the fact that i left all my bedding behind in my old house and is waiting to be able to pick them up.

I’ve been having awkard dreams about Ash, i don’t know what they are supposed to signify but; Whatever its supposed to mean, it means a totally different thing to me. It’s making me doubt my emotions in that it allows me to believe that however much i convince myself that i am better off without him that my subconcscience would like to disagree. That is of no negative connotation to Paddy as he means the skys that is above me and the Yorkshire air that i breath in. But these dreams are still hidden beneath my mind.

As much as i would think that, that is what my mind wants me to believe, i think that as soon as i see Ash it’ll be the opposite, the built up regret and unanswered queries will witheraway and all that will be left will be those emotionless, endless eyes that  never conveyed any emotion or effection. For which memory i’m glad to have kept. Because his total lack of effection is what makes me believe that despite fooling myself into believing that i nor he ever cared about anything regarding ‘us’ that it was just a meeting of convincence on both of our parts.

I’m considering my future life as a failing academic, it’s quiet worrying when you know a whole years ‘hard’ work can be erased within 6hours of examinations. This is all together a bloody terrifying thought.

Further more to this, it’s scary to think how quickly the last academic year has gone, and how we’ve all changed separately and yet at the same speed. We’ve grown apart and grown close....not with the same people, off course.

Listening to a mix of Jack Penate....he’s lovely....strangely resembles a young George Micheal.

Paddy and I will be celebrating our anniversary along with his 23^rd birthday, good news at least we can hang out together to celebrate it together and watch his face light up with the £450 worth of gifts I have bought him.  Bad news: we’re going to a wedding together in Bury St Edmunds, which will be full of his Oxford snobby chums (I presume), and I have an exam on the 2^nd Hmm. Oh well at least we’ll have 3 months to be together over the summer.
 With that I selfishly hope that he doesn’t go off to Syria over the summer for some digging expeditions as that would be rather naughty off him considering I deliberately haven’t paid my entrance fee to the University of Camerino for the summer because I know how much I’ll miss him although being in Italy for a month did outweigh our relationship. That’s amazing how we don’t really make anything a big deal in our life and that’s why we work together so well. Purely because I know that our choices are our own, no one else’s and whatever choices we make is focusing on us and our future together.

“'Oh How I miss you, you're not my boy you're my town!'

 So anyway, hmm there are something’s in this world that really shouldn’t happen, such as sleeping with someone you’ve known over 6years and are good friends with and fucking up your relationship. The stupid thing is neither of us were drunk, we just got horrendously stuck in a moment. Now Chris is freaking out on me, and I don’t really have the time to waste on him. I mean if I try to ring him he’ll reply in such a cold way but when he rings me he’s always so fucking lovely and polite, what the fuck is that actually all about?

 Friday night was meant to be our time together to spend for his birthday but he couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to see me, so I decide to go to Katie’s and he called me, and I just ignored it. Despite, being his birthday. Stupid thing is I can’t decide what’s scarier, getting involved with him or ruining our friendship either way it’s a load of Bullocks.

 On another note, really miss being with Ashley, I miss his texts and random hooking-up-ness. I know he’s put me through a load of bullocks but I don’t know that time we spent alone together was so amazing and valuable. It meant a lot. And being his birthday in a couple of days sucks. I mean I don’t feel the same way towards him. I just miss him, for him. If that makes any sense.
  It doesn’t hurt to see him with his new girl friend at all, wish it did so I could be angry at him. But it doesn’t, instead I just miss being around him and going to the Woolpack for drinks in the middle of the afternoon really randomly or dancing together at the waterfront. Grrr! I don’t know if we were going to be friends it has to be a two way thing.

  Wow this entry is oddly rather angsty! So anyway had an awesome weekend, Friday night at Katie’s that was good got home at half 1.

 Saturday night Cathy’s birthday so decorated our house and brought booze cleaned my room as Laura was staying over. Let off some fire works and played sing star and cleaned. It was ACE!

 Sunday got a new baby kitten and we called it Tiger-Lily she’s so beautiful and tried to sneak into my room when I was getting ready for bed cheeky-ness. Nick came and got her out. Spent most of Sunday lazing about and playing with tiger-lily! Hurrah!

~Saz!~

Weren't As Daft As They Seem Not As Daft As They Seem My Love When You Dream Them Up Oh, Were Did You Go? Where Did You Go?''

Ok so after upsetting Roper on Monday night, he was really reluctant on coming out with us on Wednesday night for my birthday. But I brought him a chocolate cake to seal the deal. Ended up being a shit night anyway, as nowhere good was opened so ended up half asleep in optic. Oh the amount of pretentious people in there makes me bored.

Got really pissed of with Ashley on Saturday night; as he fucked off home with another girl. Even though the weekend before I went over to his and made the effort of ordering a taxi and getting all of us back to his and staying the night and god. I’m really disliking him. Makes me realise how twatish he is although, yeah I do still like you. Hmm. Really do need to have a chat with him me thinks.

Back at college, timetable is a bit fucked.

Moved out properly over the summer having a lot of fun iviting people over and going out and coming back home with my friends at ridiculous over of the night! Yay!

Haven’t updated in ages, what’s been happening is that I met this amazing guy called Ashley who’s 24, works at Bella Italia as a chief. It’s been going ok for the last month. Now however we’ve hit a wall as he came round the other night to stay over, but me being me made plans to go see friends and he hasn’t really got in contact with me since. Being the stubborn soul that I am, I refuse to text him. I saw him at work on our weekly excursion to Bella Italia. He came over and spoke to me which was nice of him, but where we’ll go from here on, it’s anyone’s guess.

Been spending more time with my lovely Liam which makes a change as I’m always too busy to see him or I end up standing him up. It’s been nice, I got ever so slightly depressed at everyone telling me to break it off with Ashley and ended up throwing up on our Wednesday night excursion. Liam however got introduced to my friend Tasha and has grown rather fond of her. So he’s angsting about her, Liam and I together make a lovely angsting couple when we’re out and about.

Apart from that, rather annoyed that my pay from the Maids Head still hasn’t gotten through to my bank account which means I’m totally utterly skint for our holiday to le france! But working there is ace. The chiefs are lovely, when their not stressed and the waiting and bar staffs are ever so lovely to each other if that.

I don’t really know what else to update to be honest so I shell leave reminding you all about my 18^th!!!!

It’s at the Queen Charlotte’s on Dereham road on 15^th of September. I invite you all, the more the merrier I say!

But what's confusing you
Is just the nature of my game

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
Cause I'm in need of some restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste

Use all your well-learned politicise
Or I'll lay your soul to waste, um yeah
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, um yeah
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, um mean it, get down
Woo, who

-Today Did You-
-------------------

1. Talk to a boy/girl you like?
erm..no.

2. Learn anything new?
erm…no.

3. Talk to an ex?
erm…no. I know where these answers are going!

4. Miss someone?
yeah.


-Last Person Who-
------------------------

5. Laid on your bed?
God Knows, erm.. apart from myself, me thinks Jonathan!

6. Made you cry?
My dad

7. You went to the movies with?
Ismo and we harassed and fought with the guys at Oden. That was fun!

8. Went to the mall with you?
erm… Milly

9. You showered with?
lol… Carl.

10. Made you laugh?
Tasha

11. Said they loved you?
Jess

-General stuff-
-------------------

16. Favorite location?
erm… the park by the river Yare.

17. Tattoo?
The Dragonfly tattoo I’m hoping to get.

18. What are you most scared of this second?
crashing into other cars whilst I’m driving.

19. Where do you want to get married?
Italy-where I was born.

20. Who do you like?
Erm lots of people, I’m uber sociable. Romantically, no one as I’ve got better things to think about.

19. Does anyone like you?
I doubt it.

22. Do you like being around people?
lamely, yes as I miss them when I’m not around them

23. Have you ever cried?
yes I have but I’m a very difficult person to make cry

24. Are you lonely right now
Mentaly of physically,- it doesn’t matter as both would be yes.

25. Song stuck in your head?
Whistle for the choir- The Fratellis

26. Been on radio/TV?
Not Lately

28. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
ooooh yes!

30. What color shirt are you wearing right now?
Black with a white floral vest top underneath.

31. Name three things that you do every day?
Listen to music, brush my teeth and talk to someone (anyone)

32. How much cash do u have right now?
around £40

33. Are you bored?
ever so slightly

34. What's your favorite show?
Ugly betty, Top Gear, Graham Norton, DR WHO!, peep show, Hollyoaks.

35. Who got you into myspace?
no one, I had it before it went EMO!

37. Wish someone was next to you this morning when you woke?
how do you know there wasn’t?

38. What website do you visit daily ?
Hotmail and myspace, livejournal.

39. Do you have plants in your room?
no just flowers, they don’t count as they’ll die in a week.

40. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my chiny chin chin

41. Who was the last person to hug you?
Isabel


26 SECRETS
-------------------

Ok this week has been a bit of an alright.

Missed Jen this week, Politics is such a bore without her. It’s all cool though as she phoned me on Friday/Thursday night.

 Jon and I have been weird. I don’t know Cathy says it should end. I don’t know.

I like big butts and I cannot lie!

Anyways yes so today Star wars Characters at Kerrisons, I never knew I was scared of Chewbacca, but apparently I am. He tried to hug me but I screamed and ran away. Then Cathy and co. forced me into him but I ran away still. Finally I built up courage, whilst grabbing hold of Vicky to be hugged by him and slowly my pain vanished. Thus producing pictures of an adequate taste. It amuses me how I’m not scared of the storm troopers of Dath Vader- but the big cuddley one. Yup, makes a whole lot of sense.

 Anyhoo pictures from Friday night rocks my socks. They are muchos amusing.
   Manga Night!   Anyone who knows me will know!
 we were rather-erm-how do you put it?....Out of it!

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions. I’ve had a great week on one hand but on the other it’s been rather intimidating by some people to even be the person who I am. 

 Oh yeah work with Dom on Saturday was awesome I mean Cathy and I talk but it’s different I get to ask Dom questions about ‘love’ it’s cool, for some reason I can’t talk to Cathy about it. It doesn’t help that I get embarrassed about talking about people I like and stuff. Like when Cathy, Jade, I and a large bottle of wine and a beer for me sat down to talk they asked me about Jon, in which him and I had broken it off, and I got really jittery and embarrassed. I only ever talk to really really closed people about stuff like that. It’s not that I’m not close to them I just feel vulnerable.

I don’t tend to talk to people about my personal life at all unless there’s some confusion. I guess that’s why I got so mad at Rob when Lewis kept bringing things up that he told him. Oh well it’s in the past. 

 I’m really tired but I don’t sleep well on Jon’s bed as he has a really stiff mattress so I want to sleep in my old bed. He gets annoyed that I keep moving away from him, I’ll wake up and I’ll be right up against the wall slipping into the gap. It’s comforting. For some reason I like sleeping in cold places- walls are always cold.

How about I’m outside of your window?

 No, I could be. But I’m not. I probably should be. But I don’t know. I thought I did want to, but seems like I don’t. Today is so screwed up; everything to do with today should just be erased from my head.

 I was asked to meet Hanr and the rest of the gang at the forum-as usual. I hate that place, tres fatigue!

Anyway I was going to meet Jon, broke up with him on Sunday night, purely out of confusion. The funeral was ahead, helping Jade move in and other stuff. So yeah, phoned him after I got home yesterday from Cathy’s after James dropped me off and I told him I missed him so was supposed to meet up with him. Made my way into the city and it was literally one of those cross road situations where you had to choose one way or the other. In this case to meet Jon and sort it out and be back where I was or go meet the gang and rebuild some broken down friendships. I chose the friendships and didn’t even bother or give Jon a second thought. I didn’t do it to be mean it’s just one of those things where if it was meant to be it meant to a cliché. I hate clichés. It didn’t matter anyway Jon and I, are fine, he phoned me, which was nice, and I’ve had a shit day with annoying customers. He comes in everyday and Rarg! I hate him. I actually do, I probably don’t I’m just angry. Oh we’ll see.

 Anyway Tuesday got very drunk stayed round Jade’s but then got Jack to drive me home.

Wednesday night, Cathy’s with Danny & James, that was so much fun. She really wants me to live with her…I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it. I’m a home girl and I like simple things like staying in with Jon with some Kronenberg and watching telly playing random card games. He has really bad reflexes. Ö

Next week back to normal Jeeze! I haven’t done any politics. I’m screwed. Of well what is the point when in a year I’d have no friends, no family and no future! Hurrah for optimism!  

 Something for the mind:  ok do you fall more in love with someone. In the sense once you’re ‘in love’ with someone is it more than you were with that last person you were ‘in love’ with?

 I don’t see a point, I’ve only ever loved one person and I know for a fact I’ll look back and I’ll be like ‘what the scallywag?’ I’m already staring too.

 There isn’t not much of a point I mean I guess ‘love’ is strange it’s just a replacement for the 3D’s, Desire, Depression & desperation. Don’t forget loneliness. Must say misery does love company what’s better than one miserable sod? Two miserable old sods! Hurrah!! Cheers! I’m off for a drink! Night!

~Saz!~

Party was awesome, esk.

This week has been a mixture of emotions. I’ve been happy as spending time with Jon cheered me up and getting lots of comments about how good the party was was good. But then trying to figure out that Ed is no longer alive is angering me, on one hand I’m really angry at him. He knew he had been drinking and then to drive over the most dangerous bit in Yarmouth, which idiot does that. Then I’m angry at Travis for lying why lie about what happened all we want to know is what happened and he’s the only that can tell us but he’s hiding something. Went to Ed’s house on Thursday and it was horrible, mum and dad kept talking about my little brother’s death and I felt overly suffocated and walked out to talk to Fred see if I could cheer him up. The last thing I wanted was for my parents to talk about my brother and find out things and realise things I never did before because I was too young to understand. Either way I didn’t need to hear it that way. Rarg I miss my brother. Rarg I hate Ed for being so careless. RARG RARG RARG!!!

 So yeah been avoiding home this week by helpiung Jade move into her new house, which she’s hoping I should move into as well, but considering what happened with Jon today, don’t really fancy 3^rd wheeling 24/7.

 Yeah it’s officially over, more than it was officially on in the first place.

 Anyway Ed’s funeral is Tuesday, I’m worried about crying infront of my parents, that sounds strange I know, but since my brother died I’ve never cried infront of them, I’ve always hid. I’m glad I’ll have Splat there.

Grr! I hate these sort of days. You know the ones where you’ve actually had a great day and I’ve forgotten all your troubles and some stupid bum-body decides to come ruin it. In this case, Rob; I don’t get it, I know I should just give up on us two ever being friends every time I even try he just chucks it in my face, this time it’s just ridiculous, you would of thought after two years they’d actually grow up, oh how wrong I was.  I mean I asked him to send me the Ninja song, he lashed out at me and just had a huge go at me, normally I wouldn’t care but anything that comes out of his mouth just hurts so much. I wish it wouldn’t.

 I can’t help but wallow, and I’m sorry I’m gonna say it; I feel like crying.

'I wanna break you down so badly'  i guess i'm the one being broken.

Hello.

 I’m sorry this is going to be rather an angsty update, but meh! No one asked you to read it!

 So just found out that Ed died in a car crash last night. The stupid idiot had been drinking and driving. Grrr. I have no sympathy for him purely because there are laws and restrictions and limitations for a reason and if your breaking that then you suck, but he never deserved to die, no one does. Despite what you may think. I’ve known Ed since I was little, our families are so close and we spend most of summer together at each other’s houses.

 I hate the fact everyone around seems to bugger off in one way or another;

My brother when I was 5

Tom

Now Ed.

To be fair these are the ones that have died, i'm not really in the mood to sit here and write a long list of people who've actually buggered of out of my life. 

Seems like I’m cursed.

Today was brilliant at work, until it dawned on me that Vicky, Jade, Charlotte, Donna and myself should be leaving. I shant leave for a while, I want to carry on working there as it’s good. I’m enjoying it. The customers are awesome. Especially my little surprise today; that awesome. I was serving a customer and looked up and Liam was standing there, it was brilliant because I could say anything.

Went round gave him a hug and talked to him, then got interrupted by Vicky asking if he was my boyfriend in which I laughed and said ‘no’ and Liam agreed and said it’d be weird. (To be fair it would, Liam and I have known each other since year 7, we’ve been best friends all this time, and yew. He’s like a brother to me. YEW!)

It’s been a pretty good week. I haven’t seen much of Adam this week, mind. We fell out, well sort of, well no. but anyways. Monday, was with Jen and everything was fine and dandy.

Tuesday, Adam met me for lunch it was good, buggered off to Italian which was alright.

Wednesday, everyone bombarded me with money and Hank and had a nice lunch where I told her about my disturbing dream about her and we just chuckled.

Thursday, Liam’s day, he was a couple of minutes late, had he arrived sooner he would of met Jen, whom I think would be a good match for him. He’s naïve and she’s sweet. Was talking to him about my relationship with Jon and he said it was weird. If I were to invite Jon on our holiday I’m worried that it may not be much fun, it’s meant to be just me and my friends and if I invite him then it’ll break that. On the other hand it’d be rather romantic, sort of; well we’ll be in Paris, that’s romantic.

Thursday, Adam didn’t show so spent the day with Kimbo, felt bad because due to the departure of my cash to the travel agents I have no more spenditure for this month so Kimbo treated me to lunch. Bumped into Ian and he was telling me about this girl he likes and how she’s deaf so I was stood in the middle of the mall showing him sign language to things he wanted to say. It was such a weird day yesterday, I was feeling rather down but I kept bumping into my old school friends, such as Stef, Elli, Kate, Katie, Milly, Jamie, hmm that was awkward, especially with what he has said to me the night before. But still I managed to insult him in front of his dad, for which I apologised for and erm, somehow give him a hug.  All that aside.

It’s finally Friday I better get off and do some psychology work, I’m so behind. Or I could just play random games on here. * nods * adios.

~Saz Out~

Ok. Well it’s been such a strange week. Been feeling down all week. I’ve reached Volume 10 of Mars. I wonder what’s next.

 Buying a nice little black corset. It scares me how much money I spend on buying corsets. In the last month £130, damn my obsession with corsets and Pirates for making them look good, but I shant blame pirates, nothing ever is their fault.

 So yeah been down, erm I’m not sure, scared of leaving everyone to go to Hull, it’s far away. I can’t go a weekend without my friends, how am I going to go for 6 years.

 Hearing my mums voice on the phone the other night in a month and a half, upsetted me loads. It never hit me how much she means to me, despite all the shitty things I may say at her and to her. Living in a house full of men sucks. The toilet seats always up, and it always smells so cruddy, it has its up side. Like phone calls if I’m late home, lift everywhere and just being allowed to do everything I won’t.

 On top of that was watching Terry Fox marathon thing this morning and I just couldn’t stop thinking about Tom, and I how I’d wish I’d done more to be a friend, I was just such a crud friend to him, I didn’t even notice he wasn’t around half as much the last couple of months of his life, I was too preoccupied with being in this love shacked relationship with Rob; and I wish I hadn’t.  I should of put him first like he did with me in year nine. I have this adorable picture of him when he was going through chemotherapy with a little patch of his hair at the back of his head because he didn’t want to shave of his head, he wanted it to fall off and watch it grow back when he had got rid of the cancer, but he never was able too.